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Summer time


Hanging around mum's place watching the dog while she's out buying booze. Julia and I had a walk yesterday and talked  about things regarding our family and I realized that it is a bit depressing that she perceives certain things the same way I do. At least if she disagreed I could tell myself that it's just me. But both of us are getting older and more critical of and worried about our parents and I guess that's normal.

My new job is going along OK. I don't like making newbie mistakes but I guess it's inevitable? But I'm starting to become more confident, at least. The introduction I got didn't really cover everything and in general it seems like the workplace really could use some improvements in terms of making important information available to new staff, because currently it seems like everyone  learns from watching an older staff member who has all the routines and principles memorized from years of work. Despite trying as hard as I could to pay attention during my introduction, there was still a lot to be learned once I started working "for real" and the lack of available information just sets you up to make mistakes. But I try to do my best and hopefully that will be enough. I do like the actual work most of the time.

Tom has finally found a 1-bedroom flat in London, and moved in last Saturday. He started working at his new job today. I look forward so much to joining him! But I'm worried about not finding a job and not being able to save up as much money as I would like from my summer job. I still think it's the right decision to move, I just hope it works out. Last time I went to Oxford, on the 8th of June, I filmed the different steps I had to take to get from Jenny's flat in Stockholm to the bus station in Oxford. I have the world's smallest video camera and I pretty much suck at filming, and the entire thing is ridiculous, but if you want to see more or less how I've been travelling to get to see Tom for the last 1 ½ years, you can check it out here:


I think I got up at 6 am and arrived in Oxford at 3:30 pm. Not gonna miss the travel once we live together.
Hope everyone is having a good summer so far! I think mine is predominantly good with tiny clouds of crap. 

PHEW


The presentation of the thesis went well. Very well, at least in comparison to how I expected it to go (then again I'm a worst scenario-kind of person and more or less expected the teacher to tear us apart while ripping the thesis to pieces and setting it on fire, so most scenarios end up being good in comparison). I've been celebrating by buying a pizza and drinking left-over wine. Yum.

That means there's only a couple of changes in the thesis that is standing between me and my license as an SLP. Crazy! I'm practically done! Wow. It's been a weird journey, but so worth it, not just for the education but because of all the personal growth that came along with moving away from home and to a different city.

I started a new blog BTW, it's called http://poisoningpigeons.wordpress.com/ after a Tom Lehrer song. Check it out if you want!

May. 24th, 2013


Only two weeks to graduation now :S
We're presenting our thesis on Monday and as a part of that we're going to get critique from both students and teachers and I'm going to be pretty nervous until that's done with. But once it's done, it's done. The odds are that we are going to be asked to redo or change a lot, because most people get told to do that, and that's fine. I'm just worried that we will have missed something really obvious or that the teacher judging it will think it's crap and embarrass us. Hopefully we won't have a big audience. :S and afterwards I'll celebrate or drown my sorrows with wine.

I sold my couch today, finally. I've been trying to get rid of it since we can't move it up to Stockholm; the car isn't equipped for that and there's no space to put it in Jenny's flat. I'm sitting in my arm chair right now and the flat around me is starting to look bare. I'm trying to not become too nostalgic or sentimental like many in my class are. I've spent 4 years of my life here and I can't say all of them have been good, but I've made good friends and I've found a nice balance in life. I'm not sad about leaving, because a town is just a town to me. It's the people and the routines that matter. I got an OK life doing the things I do now and leaving that behind is a bit scary, because it's been a long struggle to  get to "OK". I think being with Tom has made me a bit braver. Maybe it's because I know that, even if I leave this behind, I will still have him to chat to and hang out with and that's very important to me. I'm very much looking forward to moving in with him at the end of summer.

Tom recently got a job in London, which was very sudden and a bit unexpected. It's great for him in terms of job experience and such, but I can't say that I'm not disappointed I won't be moving to Oxford/Abingdon. I was imagining living a quiet life near the English countryside, close to forests and rivers. When I imagine living in London I think of gray concrete and noisy cars, which is not appealing. Oh well, I'll give it a try. The most important thing is living with him and having a bit of a break before settling down in a SLP-job somewhere. I've gone straight from college to university and never stopped to have a sabbatical so I think it's time.

We had our 1½ year anniversary last Sunday, by the way. Tom doesn't know it yet, but I sent him a present in the mail a couple of days ago. Hopefully he will have it once he gets back from work or tomorrow! If so I will post the "beautiful" poem I included with the gift. He sent me cheese and crackers in the mail a week ago, so I figured I had to send something back. :-)


Happy Friday everybody!

May. 7th, 2013


Wow, I haven't posted in ages. I knew it had been a while but then I looked at the date of the last post.... bad, bad me!

I'm dozing off on my couch (I always say "in my couch" because that's how you say it in Swedish, but Tom keeps correcting me because apparently it sounds like I'm sitting inside the couch). We are nearing the end of our thesis work. I've been working with a girl called Malin and we're like polar opposites in some ways, so I'm surprised that it's gone so well. When we started the project I nicknamed her 'Annoying Girl' when talking to Tom because all I knew about her was that she talked really fast, interrupted people and just in general gave off a really chaotic impression. But I don't call her that anymore, that would be mean.

It's been great weather the last few days and today I've been sitting outside in the sun reading. I'm reading the 5th Game of Thrones book. Last episode was pretty fucked up, but I guess we will be getting the red wedding soon? Speaking of TV, they released a video for the last season of Dexter yesterday. LOL at Michael C Hall saying "I think Dexter feels responsible for Deb".... well, like Deb would say: No fucking shit Dexter! How could he not feel responsible, Dexter has messed up her life in so many ways. I'm excited for next season anyway, I hope Deb gets a somewhat happy ending at least.

I've decided to try to take a sabbatical at the end of summer and move to Tom for a year. It might not be a year if I don't get a job, but I'll try for a year anyway. I only got one month left at university which means I need to start getting rid of stuff. Most of my furniture is either second-hand, free or IKEA so it's not worth trying to move anything to Tom's or keep it until I move back. I also need to start eating everything in my fridge and freezer. I want to move as little as possibly to Jenny's flat (where I will stay for the summer). My classmates have started talking about getting graduation dresses and what to wish for as a graduation gift. Feels crazy that I'm finally here, but at the same time, I'm ready for something new and I look forward to going to Tom. Not just because he is there, but because it's new and exciting to live in a different country for a year and try to make it there. I'm feeling pretty positive about it right now, but that might change. My eternal worry is my family; last time I was in England, mum had to go to a hospital again, and dad is getting old and Jenny seems to have so many troubles. Everyone will be fine, I'm sure, but it just feels like I have some sort of responsibility to be around... but at the same time, I can't let my worries hold me back. Things are reasonably good with my family, after all.

I should get started on dinner but I'm so tired!
Hope everyone is doing well!

A rant and some squeeing


Tom will arrive late, late tonight (or early tomorrow morning)  and I'm being antsy from waiting around. It's still four or five hours to go. I hate waiting around and I'm not sure what to do. The TV seems to be broken, so not much I can do there. Grr. It's weird because it's not like I can't entertain myself on a normal evening; I commonly stay up until midnight or later if I got the chance. Knowing that I have to stay up late makes this like waiting for the clock to strike midnight on New Years Eve. Incredibly annoying!

In an attempt to pass the time I decided that I should write something in my journal. I guess I can start with the fact that I'm not well off financially; I had to pay $500 for an unexpected and unpleasant thing so that's where all my savings went. The rest of my money was spent on gifts for my sisters, dad and Tom who had their birthdays this month. At least my rent and all my bills are payed and I got enough money for food, and I guess that's all that matters. It is a bitch though to work hard and try to save money for a long time, and envision a time when you will have enough money saved that you can buy yourself something fancy, just to realized that you're going to have to spend those money on paying an unexpected bill. It pissed me off so much. Back on square one.

At least I got a chance to spend some of my earned money before I got the news that I needed to pay the £500. I spent a sum on getting  a new (ish, it was second-hand) phone, some money on getting something I had wanted for a long time for me and Tom (photos later because he doesn't know what it is yet) and doing some trips/excursions. Eventually I will get money for my involvement in the medical study, so it will work out. And I do like the things I bought. It just stresses me out that I have no savings and that I'm not sure the money I have will be enough. I can loan money from my parents if that should happen, but it is still really stressful.

I went to see mum yesterday and she acted weird. Or maybe not weird, just grr. I've said before that neither of my parents have ever really visited me in Linköping. Dad helped me move but he has never properly visited. Mum always complains if she doesn't get to see me "enough" when I visit Stockholm, even if she gets to see me far more than dad (granted he doesn't have much interest in seeing me). You'd think that since I'm the one who puts effort into visiting, both financially and otherwise, she would acknowledge this. But no. She asked me to come over as usual and when I show up she basically ignores me. Like I sit down at the table and she immediately talks to a friend on the phone. Then said friend comes over and they talk in the kitchen while I have nothing to do out in the living room. So disrespectful. I swear to god that I'm seriously considering moving to England and saying "I've visited you enough, if you want to see me it's your turn now".

Anyhow so that's today's rant. The good news is... I'M GOING TO SEE HUGH LAURIE!!! OMG. Again! Because I saw him when I went to the taping of Jay Leno in 2009. But this time I'm going to his concert in Oxford on June the 15th. Awesome! Eeeee!

Whatever floats your boat


Hey hey.
I like writing here. The fact that I'm not entirely sure anyone is reading my posts is somewhat liberating, lol. I wish I got the urge to write more often when I'm in one of my good moods, which is a lot more than my posts would suggest. I was in a great mood a a while ago and I meant to write but I just forgot.

Anyhow I'll write about something happy fun fun; me and a couple of friends from my class went on a cruise to Riga last weekend. The boat left Stockholm at 5pm on Saturday and arrived in Riga at 11 am the next day. To be honest I wasn't overwhelmed by Riga; I kind of expected it to be more beautiful and old. On the other hand, it probably looks better when it isn't covered by thick, gross layers of dirty snow. But guess what, I had fun anyway. I bought a babushka doll. I think the best part was probably the cruise though. The only reason we went is because I had a voucher from filling out a survey which meant we got to go for free, so it's not like it was one of those fancy cruises. And OMG did everyone live up to the stereotype. We were pretty much the only Swedes on board, the rest were Russians and Latvians (sp?). I've never seen worse dancers. Some of them were drunk but I'm sure was more or less sober. I managed to get a video of one of the (definitely drunk) dancers:

He kept doing that for like 30 minutes.

Mar. 12th, 2013


Heyhey,

Would it sound bad if I said I'm in a medical trial and I suspect that the drug I'm taking for it is making creating a stomach ulcer? I feel horrible right now. Sunday morning was the worst, because I came home from a party and ate far too much spicy potato salad at 4 am. The medical study is just until the end of this week so I'll try for a bit longer but I'm not loving it.

Julia was here Sunday-Monday, which gave me a good reason to get off my ass and clean the floors and try out a recipe I don't make often. It's great that I have guests about the same frequency that I think I should clean my floors. By clean, I mean vacuum and wash with water. It's the washing part that I don't like. Vacuuming isn't half-bad, it's just that my vacuum sucks in the kind of way you don't want a vacuum to suck, which is, it doesn't suck very much at all and the head part keeps falling off. Anyhow, I did clean up and we did have fun. The reason she was here was because her musical had a show in the nearby city. I think I talked my entire family into coming to see it. Two of my closest friends also came along and they got to meet my family. Once upon a time, that would have bothered me, but now I feel very apathetic about the entire thing.

I've finally started writing again on my short story that I begun last fall. I don't dare to read through it properly until I've written an ending; I'm pretty sure I would be discouraged by the quality and that a lot of things doesn't make sense. But if I finish it I will fix it. I need to finish it, it's 14 pages! It's the longest story I've written in aaages.

Goes to show I could never do Nanowrimo.

Mar. 4th, 2013


I'm back after a weekend away reuniting with the other students I went to Kenya with. Being busy in the weekends means less time to do all the cleaning and cooking that I need to do. Well, I guess I have the time but I usually only have the energy to do a full cleaning on the weekend.

I'm a bit worried that I'm becoming more and more of a recluse. It's like my social needs quota is filled by chatting to THB and once I'm "full" every other interaction is boring. Somehow I don't think that is true, though. I guess everyone goes through phases like this. I know I have in the past. My best way of describing the feeling is seeing everyone else enjoying themselves and knowing that you should, too, but all you feel is an anxious boredom and a increasingly desperate urge to be alone.

By the way, I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but the kind of people who always craves to play host or hostess scares me! Its like they invite you to a perfectly planned and fashionable event in their home which is perfectly decorated with the intent of becoming a conversation topic. It just creeps me out!

Another personality type that annoys the shit out of me is the person who needs to be known as the most self-sacrificing person ever. My older sister is a bit like that but it's not that annoying because she's genuinely self-sacrificing as long as you pay her attention. The kind of person that annoys me is the kind that goes "Well if you don't want to spend money on getting X a present, I will pay for it myself because I really think she deserves one" before anyone has given any indication of not wanting to spend money on a present. It's like they need everyone to know that they would make the sacrifice even though they know it will never happen. Like they want everyone to know that this person is always a bit more self-sacrificing and thoughtful than everybody else. Urgh! Fake people!

Sorry for the petty rant.

In more recent news my family has disappointed me again. They will be 30 minutes away from my flat on Saturday because they're going to watch my sister's show but still decided that they would go straight back home instead of visiting me either before the show or after. The most assholish part is that they didn't tell me (I had said I would sort out a place for them to sleep in case they came by) until I called dad today. No one except for my older sister has visited me in Linköping during the last 3.5 years I've lived here and I just live two hours away from them, but apparently even a 30 minute commute is too inconvenient for them. Days like this I wish I could uninvite them all from my graduation ceremony, then fly off to England and never come back. Whatever.

I'm waiting for something exciting in the mail.

Mar. 1st, 2013


I've been bad and forgotten the post lately. I blame school. I'll try to remember it more.
I'm doing 9-5 in school lately. I don't know how working people do it, but when I'm away from home that long I end up feeling too exhausted when I get back to do anything. Yesterday I had half of the afternoon "off" so I would have time to do laundry, send out job applications and finish my essay on Angelman syndrome for my extra course. I've been operating under the principle that as long as I write a good essay it doesn't matter if it follows the criteria in the instructions perfectly. Besides, I think the teacher is going to let me pass under the mere principle that she just wants the course to be done with. I think I've mentioned in a previous entry that we are only 2 students taking the course; a very underwhelming number.

Earlier this week I was browsing facebook when I saw that a guy was giving away his drawer for free. Actually, I had been following his post for a while (it's in a group for people who want to trade or give away things) but it seemed like someone else had called dibs on it so I didn't think much about it until Tuesday evening, when I saw that he still, for various reasons, hadn't gotten rid of the drawer and was going to give it away to whoever picked it up first. I don't have a car so I called the guy and asked if he thought it would be possible for me to transport the drawer to me in a shopping trolley (he lives maybe 15 minutes walk away from my flat). He said yes so I picked up a trolley and went. The trolleys at the nearest store was much smaller than I planned and when I got to the flat it was very clear that the drawer wouldn't fit, no matter which way yo turned it. It was also very, very heavy. So heavy that I could hardly lift it by myself. What we did was that we ended up putting the drawer on top of the trolley and tied it down with some strings. I then proceeded to very slowly push the trolley backwards, because it was slanted in a way that if you pushed it the right way the drawer might have fallen off, but when pushed backwards the drawer leaned on me. I slowly made my way home through ice and snow. People looked at me like a mad person and I just smiled because it felt like IRL trolling. "just out walking my drawer, nothing to see". I got it home with only minor injuries and it fits very well into my flat. I've left two drawers empty for when THB gets here because he always makes a mess.

Here's a photo of the drawer before we put it on the trolley:
IMG-20130226-WA0007

So my plans for the weekend are to meet up with the crew I went to Kenya with. We are going to visit one of the girls in a nearby town, do some competition thing and then spend the night at hers before we return on Sunday. I'm unusually busy on the weekends lately, which is one of the reasons why I haven't sent out enough applications or done as much cleaning as I would have liked. Next weekend I may get invaded by family because my older sister is performing in Norrköping and she's going to spend the night here afterwards. I also offered a bed for the night for any family member coming to see her. This caused mum to call me (she sounded kind of drunk) worried that if she stayed over she wouldn't have a place to smoke. The weekend afterwards, I'm going to go on a 40 hour cruise to Riga with a couple of friends. The boat leave Stockholm at 5pm, gets to Riga ~11am and leaves again at 5pm and is back in Stockholm ~11pm the next day. I've never been to Riga so it will be fun!

Feb. 10th, 2013


Hey f-list. I'm writing on my phone because I'm at Tom's and I didn't bring my computer, so I apologize in advance for any typos.
Most of my stay here has been good so far. We spent at day walking around London and then went to Tom's place in Oxford. Yesterday was spent resting and enjoying that both of us had a bit of vacation. I'm hoping that me taking this week off doesn't affect my thesis, but I don't think it will.

I got some bad news that made me a bit depressed yesterday. Apparently mum has been to the hospital again. Something about a neighbor complaining of bad smell (smoke) in the hallway and that set her off somehow. I guess it worries me because I know how bad she gets when she's really sick and how unstable she is. Who ends up in a hospital over something as ridiculous as a complaint? Normal people would feel indignant and maybe a bit sad but move on..
It just feels like shit like this is always going to happen, the difference is that mum might end up killing herself over it. Parts of me is even annoyed because I always have to be the strong one in our relationship. and whatever help I give is just never going to be enough. Luckily she's got a lot of other people around her... It just depresses me sometimes that it will always be me being there for her but not her being there for me. And the entire thing got me thinking about the future, about how if she doesn't die by doing something actively she will from all the cigarettes, alcohol and unhealthy food. How soon I don't know, but it will probably be sooner rather than later.

Oh well enough sulking. Hope everyone is doing alright.
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